Lean "in" to the children when they least expect it... what a novel idea!

I've just had one of the most challenging few days with my 14yr old hormonal step-daughter.  No matter what I said, she'd contradict me or snap at me for asking annoying questions like "how much homework do you have?".   Sadly, I got to the point where I snapped back. teary-eyed and asked why she was being so mean.  I'm not proud of it.  But I don't regret it either.  It's how I was feeling in the moment (attacked) for trying to help.  Over and over again.  Hindsight? What I could have done differently was "lean into her"... remind her she was loved despite feeling the freshmen pressure, or not understanding her hormones, or simply just reminding her she's better than to disrespect me or treat me as she was.  I could have hugged her instead of shutting down and checking out.

I'm publishing this entry with a link to an article that helped remind me that my step-daughter needs me.  And I want to be there.

3 Reasons to Lean In to other people’s children…especially when they stumble

Let there be boundaries... please God... let there be boundaries...

So here are the facts of the latest "situation" in my most awkward, strange and complicated relationship with my husband's ex-wife...

1. I was out of the country visiting family for 10 days
2. my husband was home on his own (without scheduled custody)
3. there was a big boxing match on PPV on Saturday night
4. the ex-wife's TV doesn't work AND she knows no boundaries
5. there was a pizza party in my living room with 2 teenagers and their bio-parents

Welcome home!  After nearly 2 weeks away, I get home to 2 grumpy (as usual) teenagers lounging on the couch, shoes on the coffee table et al., which was fine.  I was happy to see them as was my 3 year old, despite being received by a couple grunts and being brushed off like a bothersome fly.  The next day my husband and I  had date-night to reconnect and catch up after being apart for over 10 days.

SURPRISE! While at sushi, my loving and albeit, oblivious, husband casually mentions how his ex-wife had come to OUR aka MY house while I was out of town, to watch a boxing match.  Yeah, exactly.  WTF?  To my husband it was such a non-issue that he didn't mention it until then since he didn't think I would 'react'.  Which I tried so hard not to... therapist suggest I match my reaction to the action and so I just sat, silently crying at a sushi bar.  I didn't know what to do, say other than "I need time to process this..."  After a few harsh exchanges and 2 days of silence, we hugged it out.  We're both sorry but neither of us was to blame.  The most annoying thing in all of this is that the ex-wife put us through this, she overstepped boundaries (again), she put my husband is a position that would make it hard for anyone to say "no" and she made the kids feel uncomfortable by being in my space, a space reserved for our family, the five of us, not the four of them.  I can't imagine how awkward that night was for everyone involved, but there is only one person to blame and that's what I've concluded after a few weeks of cooling down.  

The lesson is after more than 5 years, she still doesn't understand what boundaries are... and we're not going to teach her. 

EXTRA! EXTRA! I have 3 children!

As it turns out.. I continue to struggle to accept that, despite living a lifestyle parallel to Carrie Bradshaw's less than 5 years ago, I now have a husband, a 17, a 14 and a 3 year old. My issues range from toddlers wetting the bed to drama surrounding college applications and first periods.

Not only did I relocate to a mostly un-diverse, practically rural town, in a new country, on the opposite side of the continent, I also inherited teenage angst and was catapulted into motherhood.  Obviously, with this and other step parenting blogs/books/information exchange, I expect to have this mastered by the time my bio-daughter reaches puberty.

Recently, I read somewhere about how my bio-daughter doesn't distinguish between her brother & sister.  She would never refer to them as half-siblings and so why should I?  She adores her older siblings, as they do her.  We have seen sides of these teenagers we never would know if it wasn't for my littlest one screaming "I LOVE YOU" repeatedly until she gets the response she wants every morning.

Why can't I just accept the same theory.  And so that's what I'm working on lately.  It hasn't been easy.  The fact that they have a bio-mom always affects my quest to being the maternal representation in their lives.  Is it the stigma attached to trying so hard to not become the 'wicked' stepmother that I've lost my way?  Perhaps.

At the end of the day, all 3 of these children will grow-up, move out and start families of their own.  They will likely have blended families, and I want ours to be the example of a well-functioning one.


Below is part of an article I came across today, some parts helpful, others not so much; read on for more @ www.winningstepfamilies.com

Have Realistic Expectations

• Instant love and adjustment is not realistic.
• It may take 4 to 7 years to go through the stages of stepfamily development.
• Step relationships will never be the same as biological relationships.
• It's OK not to love your stepchildren. 
• Do not compare family success to a first marriage model.

This being my only marriage, I can only approach with nothing but love and devotion.

Truly grateful, I am.

For all the complaining I might do (remember, this is my outlet), it doesn't diminish the fact that my husband is an amazing father to all three of his children. He does his best, as I do, and sometimes we forget to look around at all the happy faces to appreciate how good we have it.

And for those curious, yes, he reads my blog. Good, bad and ugly.  And he stills loves and supports me with all his might.  But that doesn't mean it's always easy.  And that's perfectly fine.  I wouldn't have any other way.

Stepmom Burnout: What to do about it

Amazing read.  Especially after the holidays I just had.  Mini-breakdown, husband suggesting therapy when all I needed was a glass of wine, some chore-delegation and a warm bath,  alone with my thoughts. Piece of mind doesn't have to come at an hourly rate.  Zen.



Stepmom Burnout: What to do about it

I'm not alone! Boundary issues with the ex-wife.

I have my share of stories when it comes to dealing with the ex-wife.  She's aloof, flighty, awkwardly social or is it socially awkward?  In her case, I'll say both.  Often, after an encounter with her, I'm left thinking "how does one get through life like this?"  For instance, there's the time she called me in a panic hoping I was near her house so I could, get into her place, hopefully there'd be a key under the mat, find some legal documents she'd left behind and drive them to her since she needed them for a court hearing that morning.  Did I mention she's a lawyer?  Seriously.  Besides, why am I on her speed dial for such events?!  My husband's response was "great that she trusts you".  WTF? I would call every neighbor/friend/family member before calling her for help with something that further highlights my incompetencies...  How in the world do these people operate (heavy machinery) a vehicle, let alone raise children?!

Clearly, I was relieved to find this article about setting expectations and boundaries with the ex-wife.

http://www.stepmomhelp.com

Happy reading!  Nice to know I'm not the only one bewildered with this relationship.

I think I can.. I think I can.

Many supportive friends say I'm a great stepmother and that these kids will appreciate it some day.  I fear not.  I believe they will only truly understand my position/effort/love/dedication if they become a stepparent themselves.  Which doesn't usually qualify as what one wants to be "when I grow up"...

A savings account of love? Say what?

These last few weeks (months according to my husband) have been quite difficult on our marriage.  When we ask ourselves why, his response is that I need therapy or anger management, while my response is the (step) kids are driving me bat-shit-crazy.   The raising of teenagers is patient parenting X100000000000.  I love these kids, they're truly incredible and kind, but boy can I take them or leave them sometimes.
This holiday season was tough, lovely and wonderful in the way holidays are so much more fun with kids.  Except when everyone in the family gets sick.  Be it the common cold or the flu, there were 3 members out of commission.  Mix that with school break, and couch potato-ing becomes an olympic sport in this house.  I'm surprised there wasn't a champion for the one who used the bathroom the most.  It was painful to witness.

So I feel tremendous relief when I come across an article by Wednesday Martin Ph.D., author of Stepmonster (stepmonster I am not) that justifies my warp-speed anger/resentment about having to pick up another pair of shoes or 10 dirty tissues off the living room floor.  The article highlights the challenging personalities of teenagers and how, basically, if you didn't give birth to these angry little buggers, it's that much harder to keep your cool during adolescence.  As good as these kids are, they're still 13 & 17 years old and incessantly moody.

The bright side? Only 18 months before the first goes to college!

teens-can-drive-you-nuts-especially-when-theyre-not-yours

Serenity now. Praying for no insanity later...

Also, check out Mrs. Martin's blog for more information about raising these other people's children we get to call our own.  http://wednesdaymartin.com/blog/