We, err.. I got a dog. Apparently I don't like sleep.

After 5 years of asking for a dog for Christmas, my loving husband gives in.  "I'll take care of it, 100% responsibility, you won't have to do a single thing." I said.  Little did I know how much work a puppy is!  I've had dogs before, but nothing could have prepared me for the terror of an 8week old canine disguised as an adorable little fur ball.

Before I start, don't even harp on me about the "adopt, don't shop"... I have had nothing but rescues in the past and loved them dearly.  I went with a reputable breeder this time because I have a young child and I didn't want to risk getting an older dog with a bad past.  Selfish maybe, but that's not what this is about....

This incredible little creature was so sweet and timid the first 48 hours.  And then...

The teeth! Those razor-sharp tiny slivers of enamel do nothing but bite/gnaw and scratch EVERYTHING.  Not just my hands, but articles of clothing suddenly have holes in them, there are scratch marks on every stool/table legs, and more.  I couldn't pet him calmly for the first 2 weeks because he would go for the kill every time.   I tried everything from bones, chew toys, plenty of exercise and bitter apple spray that claims to be a bite deterrent.   He would sit by the fireplace and file his teeth on the brick!  The sound is cringeworthy.   Poor thing had major teething issues.  I have to say it took a good 4 weeks to get him to stop the incessant biting.  At least with me, the girls still have problems with him just wanting to nip at them all the time.  

I slept on the couch the first week or so while crate-training him but he's still a morning dog.  And I mean 5am barking until I get him outside kind of morning dog.  So after years of sleeping in and loving my beauty rest, I am now completely surrounded by early risers.  From my husband who is up at 6am to my daughter who follows him downstairs, my dog and I are the only ones walking the streets of my suburban SoCal neighborhood at sunrise.  I keep telling myself he's just on Eastern time, and so I make all my calls to friends and family on the East coast and enjoy the rest of the calm before the storm of daily life begins.

Did I mention we got the dog a mere 3 months after my 4yr old finally started sleeping through the night?  Yes, that's right.  I've had over 4 years of interrupted sleep... only to extend it further.  Willingly, this was my idea!  WTF?   I guess I'll keep saying "I'll sleep when I'm dead".

In the meantime, I'll keep drinking my coffee and my wine to get me through.  In my defense, here's an article on interrupted sleep. Interrupted sleep led to 31% reduction in positive mood

Friending your children, is it possible?

I can't help but feel grateful for this article someone recently shared on FaceBook.  It's about the foundation and balance of having a "friendship" with your children.  I have naively approached parenthood with more of a militant, "rules-are-rules, don't break them or you'll be punished" way.  Completely my parents fault, by the way.  They were strict Catholics and enforced the house rules more adamantly than I can ever imagine doing, leaving me to think I was being WAY more lenient than them.  Which is true, but I still lose my shit when I can't control something I think I 'should' as the adult.  Hindsight, this approach often only alienated the children and caused a great deal of anxiety and resentment for both parties involved.
Now of course children still need rules but letting go of petty things like cleaning their rooms (I now just close the door) and I am now focusing on embracing their quirkiness, poor hygiene habits and allowing them to be themselves.  Hopefully this establishes a mutual respect that will last a lifetime.

The good thing is that it's not too late to start anew, forge ahead with an open mind and heart.


http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/07/why-some-parents-their-children-have-great-friendships/

Lean "in" to the children when they least expect it... what a novel idea!

I've just had one of the most challenging few days with my 14yr old hormonal step-daughter.  No matter what I said, she'd contradict me or snap at me for asking annoying questions like "how much homework do you have?".   Sadly, I got to the point where I snapped back. teary-eyed and asked why she was being so mean.  I'm not proud of it.  But I don't regret it either.  It's how I was feeling in the moment (attacked) for trying to help.  Over and over again.  Hindsight? What I could have done differently was "lean into her"... remind her she was loved despite feeling the freshmen pressure, or not understanding her hormones, or simply just reminding her she's better than to disrespect me or treat me as she was.  I could have hugged her instead of shutting down and checking out.

I'm publishing this entry with a link to an article that helped remind me that my step-daughter needs me.  And I want to be there.

3 Reasons to Lean In to other people’s children…especially when they stumble

Let there be boundaries... please God... let there be boundaries...

So here are the facts of the latest "situation" in my most awkward, strange and complicated relationship with my husband's ex-wife...

1. I was out of the country visiting family for 10 days
2. my husband was home on his own (without scheduled custody)
3. there was a big boxing match on PPV on Saturday night
4. the ex-wife's TV doesn't work AND she knows no boundaries
5. there was a pizza party in my living room with 2 teenagers and their bio-parents

Welcome home!  After nearly 2 weeks away, I get home to 2 grumpy (as usual) teenagers lounging on the couch, shoes on the coffee table et al., which was fine.  I was happy to see them as was my 3 year old, despite being received by a couple grunts and being brushed off like a bothersome fly.  The next day my husband and I  had date-night to reconnect and catch up after being apart for over 10 days.

SURPRISE! While at sushi, my loving and albeit, oblivious, husband casually mentions how his ex-wife had come to OUR aka MY house while I was out of town, to watch a boxing match.  Yeah, exactly.  WTF?  To my husband it was such a non-issue that he didn't mention it until then since he didn't think I would 'react'.  Which I tried so hard not to... therapist suggest I match my reaction to the action and so I just sat, silently crying at a sushi bar.  I didn't know what to do, say other than "I need time to process this..."  After a few harsh exchanges and 2 days of silence, we hugged it out.  We're both sorry but neither of us was to blame.  The most annoying thing in all of this is that the ex-wife put us through this, she overstepped boundaries (again), she put my husband is a position that would make it hard for anyone to say "no" and she made the kids feel uncomfortable by being in my space, a space reserved for our family, the five of us, not the four of them.  I can't imagine how awkward that night was for everyone involved, but there is only one person to blame and that's what I've concluded after a few weeks of cooling down.  

The lesson is after more than 5 years, she still doesn't understand what boundaries are... and we're not going to teach her. 

EXTRA! EXTRA! I have 3 children!

As it turns out.. I continue to struggle to accept that, despite living a lifestyle parallel to Carrie Bradshaw's less than 5 years ago, I now have a husband, a 17, a 14 and a 3 year old. My issues range from toddlers wetting the bed to drama surrounding college applications and first periods.

Not only did I relocate to a mostly un-diverse, practically rural town, in a new country, on the opposite side of the continent, I also inherited teenage angst and was catapulted into motherhood.  Obviously, with this and other step parenting blogs/books/information exchange, I expect to have this mastered by the time my bio-daughter reaches puberty.

Recently, I read somewhere about how my bio-daughter doesn't distinguish between her brother & sister.  She would never refer to them as half-siblings and so why should I?  She adores her older siblings, as they do her.  We have seen sides of these teenagers we never would know if it wasn't for my littlest one screaming "I LOVE YOU" repeatedly until she gets the response she wants every morning.

Why can't I just accept the same theory.  And so that's what I'm working on lately.  It hasn't been easy.  The fact that they have a bio-mom always affects my quest to being the maternal representation in their lives.  Is it the stigma attached to trying so hard to not become the 'wicked' stepmother that I've lost my way?  Perhaps.

At the end of the day, all 3 of these children will grow-up, move out and start families of their own.  They will likely have blended families, and I want ours to be the example of a well-functioning one.


Below is part of an article I came across today, some parts helpful, others not so much; read on for more @ www.winningstepfamilies.com

Have Realistic Expectations

• Instant love and adjustment is not realistic.
• It may take 4 to 7 years to go through the stages of stepfamily development.
• Step relationships will never be the same as biological relationships.
• It's OK not to love your stepchildren. 
• Do not compare family success to a first marriage model.

This being my only marriage, I can only approach with nothing but love and devotion.

Truly grateful, I am.

For all the complaining I might do (remember, this is my outlet), it doesn't diminish the fact that my husband is an amazing father to all three of his children. He does his best, as I do, and sometimes we forget to look around at all the happy faces to appreciate how good we have it.

And for those curious, yes, he reads my blog. Good, bad and ugly.  And he stills loves and supports me with all his might.  But that doesn't mean it's always easy.  And that's perfectly fine.  I wouldn't have any other way.

Stepmom Burnout: What to do about it

Amazing read.  Especially after the holidays I just had.  Mini-breakdown, husband suggesting therapy when all I needed was a glass of wine, some chore-delegation and a warm bath,  alone with my thoughts. Piece of mind doesn't have to come at an hourly rate.  Zen.



Stepmom Burnout: What to do about it