Friending your children, is it possible?

I can't help but feel grateful for this article someone recently shared on FaceBook.  It's about the foundation and balance of having a "friendship" with your children.  I have naively approached parenthood with more of a militant, "rules-are-rules, don't break them or you'll be punished" way.  Completely my parents fault, by the way.  They were strict Catholics and enforced the house rules more adamantly than I can ever imagine doing, leaving me to think I was being WAY more lenient than them.  Which is true, but I still lose my shit when I can't control something I think I 'should' as the adult.  Hindsight, this approach often only alienated the children and caused a great deal of anxiety and resentment for both parties involved.
Now of course children still need rules but letting go of petty things like cleaning their rooms (I now just close the door) and I am now focusing on embracing their quirkiness, poor hygiene habits and allowing them to be themselves.  Hopefully this establishes a mutual respect that will last a lifetime.

The good thing is that it's not too late to start anew, forge ahead with an open mind and heart.


http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/07/why-some-parents-their-children-have-great-friendships/

EXTRA! EXTRA! I have 3 children!

As it turns out.. I continue to struggle to accept that, despite living a lifestyle parallel to Carrie Bradshaw's less than 5 years ago, I now have a husband, a 17, a 14 and a 3 year old. My issues range from toddlers wetting the bed to drama surrounding college applications and first periods.

Not only did I relocate to a mostly un-diverse, practically rural town, in a new country, on the opposite side of the continent, I also inherited teenage angst and was catapulted into motherhood.  Obviously, with this and other step parenting blogs/books/information exchange, I expect to have this mastered by the time my bio-daughter reaches puberty.

Recently, I read somewhere about how my bio-daughter doesn't distinguish between her brother & sister.  She would never refer to them as half-siblings and so why should I?  She adores her older siblings, as they do her.  We have seen sides of these teenagers we never would know if it wasn't for my littlest one screaming "I LOVE YOU" repeatedly until she gets the response she wants every morning.

Why can't I just accept the same theory.  And so that's what I'm working on lately.  It hasn't been easy.  The fact that they have a bio-mom always affects my quest to being the maternal representation in their lives.  Is it the stigma attached to trying so hard to not become the 'wicked' stepmother that I've lost my way?  Perhaps.

At the end of the day, all 3 of these children will grow-up, move out and start families of their own.  They will likely have blended families, and I want ours to be the example of a well-functioning one.


Below is part of an article I came across today, some parts helpful, others not so much; read on for more @ www.winningstepfamilies.com

Have Realistic Expectations

• Instant love and adjustment is not realistic.
• It may take 4 to 7 years to go through the stages of stepfamily development.
• Step relationships will never be the same as biological relationships.
• It's OK not to love your stepchildren. 
• Do not compare family success to a first marriage model.

This being my only marriage, I can only approach with nothing but love and devotion.

My stepson? He loves me. He really does.

Being one of three girls, I grew up with nothing but girly things, (sorry Dad).  Yes, one of my sisters ended up being a 'tomboy' but we definitely had more Barbie dolls than sporting equipment in the house.  And sure I played with WWE figurines just as much as the neighborhood boys with whom I traded my Macho Man Randy Savage for the newest British Bulldog (no brainer, right?).  

So when we got married, I had no idea what to expect from my husband's kids, especially then 12yr old boy, J.  He never says much, keeps to himself and his Xbox and frankly,  we don't have much in common.  I'm this outgoing, cheery and sometimes opinionated Canadian girl who works in the beauty industry,  in other words, I don't knew what a soccer ball looked like but rarely got passed the uniform colors.  While he is the calm, cool and soccer type.

I've been in their lives for nearly 3 years and it's been an incredible journey.  I've learned more from both of my step kids than I could have imagined.  It's hard to know if I'm doing a good 'job' with them... Not being their 'mother' but still playing such an important role at this insanely crazy teenage stage is a huge undertaking.  I accept I have my limits and I might not have all the answers but... I am doing my best.

So, despite this 15yr old man child's quiet and reserved existence, he made my heart melt when I opened my birthday card and read these 2 words, in his own handwriting... "Love you, J."

Hooray for me!  I'm doing something right by him.  According to my loving husband, the boy wasn't even coaxed/threatened/bribed into writing it.  Totally on his own volition.  And that, my friends, is good (parental) stuff. :-)