EXTRA! EXTRA! I have 3 children!

As it turns out.. I continue to struggle to accept that, despite living a lifestyle parallel to Carrie Bradshaw's less than 5 years ago, I now have a husband, a 17, a 14 and a 3 year old. My issues range from toddlers wetting the bed to drama surrounding college applications and first periods.

Not only did I relocate to a mostly un-diverse, practically rural town, in a new country, on the opposite side of the continent, I also inherited teenage angst and was catapulted into motherhood.  Obviously, with this and other step parenting blogs/books/information exchange, I expect to have this mastered by the time my bio-daughter reaches puberty.

Recently, I read somewhere about how my bio-daughter doesn't distinguish between her brother & sister.  She would never refer to them as half-siblings and so why should I?  She adores her older siblings, as they do her.  We have seen sides of these teenagers we never would know if it wasn't for my littlest one screaming "I LOVE YOU" repeatedly until she gets the response she wants every morning.

Why can't I just accept the same theory.  And so that's what I'm working on lately.  It hasn't been easy.  The fact that they have a bio-mom always affects my quest to being the maternal representation in their lives.  Is it the stigma attached to trying so hard to not become the 'wicked' stepmother that I've lost my way?  Perhaps.

At the end of the day, all 3 of these children will grow-up, move out and start families of their own.  They will likely have blended families, and I want ours to be the example of a well-functioning one.


Below is part of an article I came across today, some parts helpful, others not so much; read on for more @ www.winningstepfamilies.com

Have Realistic Expectations

• Instant love and adjustment is not realistic.
• It may take 4 to 7 years to go through the stages of stepfamily development.
• Step relationships will never be the same as biological relationships.
• It's OK not to love your stepchildren. 
• Do not compare family success to a first marriage model.

This being my only marriage, I can only approach with nothing but love and devotion.

I think I can.. I think I can.

Many supportive friends say I'm a great stepmother and that these kids will appreciate it some day.  I fear not.  I believe they will only truly understand my position/effort/love/dedication if they become a stepparent themselves.  Which doesn't usually qualify as what one wants to be "when I grow up"...

A savings account of love? Say what?

These last few weeks (months according to my husband) have been quite difficult on our marriage.  When we ask ourselves why, his response is that I need therapy or anger management, while my response is the (step) kids are driving me bat-shit-crazy.   The raising of teenagers is patient parenting X100000000000.  I love these kids, they're truly incredible and kind, but boy can I take them or leave them sometimes.
This holiday season was tough, lovely and wonderful in the way holidays are so much more fun with kids.  Except when everyone in the family gets sick.  Be it the common cold or the flu, there were 3 members out of commission.  Mix that with school break, and couch potato-ing becomes an olympic sport in this house.  I'm surprised there wasn't a champion for the one who used the bathroom the most.  It was painful to witness.

So I feel tremendous relief when I come across an article by Wednesday Martin Ph.D., author of Stepmonster (stepmonster I am not) that justifies my warp-speed anger/resentment about having to pick up another pair of shoes or 10 dirty tissues off the living room floor.  The article highlights the challenging personalities of teenagers and how, basically, if you didn't give birth to these angry little buggers, it's that much harder to keep your cool during adolescence.  As good as these kids are, they're still 13 & 17 years old and incessantly moody.

The bright side? Only 18 months before the first goes to college!

teens-can-drive-you-nuts-especially-when-theyre-not-yours

Serenity now. Praying for no insanity later...

Also, check out Mrs. Martin's blog for more information about raising these other people's children we get to call our own.  http://wednesdaymartin.com/blog/

Hygiene and the teenage girl

I've lived with these teenagers for nearly 4 years now.  The boy has showered everyday, sometimes twice a day since I can remember.  What he does during the 45 minute alone time in the shower is none of my business.  (Suffice to say I never had a brother so I just as soon not think about it.)  My teenage step daughter on the other hand, practically has to be threatened to get her in the shower.   Her hair gets so oily, it looks wet.  And the body odor is unbearable and reminiscent of my days living in the city.  When I'd walk by an alley with homeless people.  That burn your nose hairs stench.

Shocking? Not really, just refer back to my blog about the matted hair issue.  I talk to other moms of teenage girls and this is apparently quite common.  This species doesn't like to shower in general.  Apparently one day, the switch is flipped and they start taking 45 minute showers too.  I just hope that switch happens soon.  The whole pleading with her to bathe is getting a little annoying.  Ok, a lot annoying.  I just don't get it.  I grew up with 2 older sisters and there's no way my mother would let us get away with 2 days of not washing up.  Which is the rule I apply to my 3 year old.

I'm going to go wash my hair now....

Brush your damn hair!

My darling 12y.o. stepdaughter comes back from spending the week at her mother's with the absolute worst matted hair I've ever seen.  Now you probably think I'm overreacting, but rest assured, you would think there was a small animal living in this giant mess.

Couple of things before I get into this... why do teenage girls hate the shower?  What is it about hot water and steam that sets them off?  This has been an on-going struggle for years, actually,  since I first met her.  It's a constant negotiation with getting her in the shower. Sometimes it's : "Go have a quick shower and we'll do your nails after" or "go rinse off (after swimming lessons) so we can watch a movie tonight" to which her rebuttal has been "I don't need to shower, I had swim today"  WTF?  Seriously, that's when I go through the damaging effects of chlorine on her (drying) skin and the potential of having her gorgeous, shiny blonde mane turn green from the dye.  So when she's in the shower, which lasts up to 1hour, we just keep our mouths shut and praise her for keeping her body film-free and relatively odorless.  She's a teenager after all...

FACTS:

1. There are 24inches of hair
2. It's gorgeous, shiny and blonde
3. The matted area has shortened the hair to 12inches
4. This is the result of at least 4-6weeks of unkept hair

Sadly, my Super-Stepmom radar has been too busy lately to notice that she's been tricking us for at least one month if not since school started (10weeks ago!).   Her MO? Showering without shampooing and quickly putting her hair up in a bun so we wouldn't notice the nest building up at the nape of her neck.

I mentioned her need to shampoo a few weeks ago cause I could smell (wwww) that it needed refreshing.  So yesterday, after our big welcome back bear hug,  I suggested we start brushing her hair out.  And for a change, she was very quick to agree and ran upstairs to shower.  When she came back to me, comb in-hand,  I didn't expect the grapefruit size matte of hair...

After trying to work through it for 2 hours, laughing at some jokes about white-girl dreadlocks and a bird nesting in there and a few tears.  I Googled everything about detangling hair, from wide-tooth combs to detangling spray, but nothing seemed to work.  We tried soaking it in conditioner overnight and are going to continue the painful process again tonight and every night this week... worst case is she's going to get an infamous bad childhood haircut we've all had.

I believe I'll let her bio-mom take her for that salon appointment.  :-)

Don't let this happen to your child's hair!